I am by no means fat. But it has been a little while since I have been able to call myself skinny either. I am, for all intents and purposes, comfortably overweight. As I continue to hurtle through my 20′s, my metabolism is at last slowing down and I am trying to diet and exercise more and more in order to compensate. Unfortunately, my diet of ringdings, Jolt and Tums just doesn’t cut it anymore. So here I am trying to be a healthy person.
But something that all of you will notice is that there will always be those around you that can not (or will not) get fat. They eat a bunch, slack off on diets and exercise and continue to look skinnier then a Thai prostitute. They will try to tell you that it is only through hard work and diligence that they got this way. They will tell you that you are in the same situation as them. Do not believe them. Skinny people are only saying these things in order to inflate their own ego through patronization. If somebody says any of the following things to you, you have the right to jam a box of Krispy Kreme’s down their throat until they choke out. Don’t worry, the courts will dismiss it as self-defense.
5. You Know What My Secret Is: Diet and Exercise
Chances are, you have seen tons of secret weight loss formulas, books and treatments. These so-called shortcuts to success promise that all you have to do is jerk off your way to a brand new body. One that you can be proud of!
These are usually patently untrue techniques. In fact, weight loss techniques that are labeled as “super fast” will often result in health risks and can even make you fatter. But if you’re really trying to lose weight, then you will already know that. I certainly do. The process may be gradual and excruciating but I’m going to get through it because I am a (kind of) strong person committed to weight loss.
So maybe you complain to your friend a little bit about how grueling it can be. More often than not, he will empathetically acknowledge your plight then go back to whatever innocuous task he was completing (reading the newspaper, nailing your mom, etc.). Sometimes, you will complain to the wrong person. I recently did this with Matt, who remains one of my best friends. Matt is skinny as shit, and has been his whole life. When I did, he replied with:
You know what I found works. It’s going to sound cliché, but diet and exercise man. That’s my secret. I know, call me crazy.
Really Matt? That’s your advice. As if every book, website and subway poster in the universe hasn’t already told me that. If something cliché is about to come out of your mouth, and you feel the need to point it out, chances are you should just shut up now and save everyone a lot of headaches because everybody already knew that.
But he was just stating what is true, you may say, and that could be helpful. And that’s a fair point. It’s not the information that is frustrating though. It is the presumption that I’ve been just been sitting on my ass chugging Doritos shakes for the past month and wondering why I’m not losing weight. As if only he has the power to spread knowledge through trite and unhelpful advice.
Obviously diet and exercise. It’s one of those things in life that are so obvious that they should not even be spoken. It’s like saying “Nazis are bad” or “Sarah Jessica Parkers face looks like a horse.” Fucking…duh
In fact, the only reason a person (and I’m not picking on you here Matt) tells “their secret” is to bring the focus back to them. Well look how well it works for me. Of course, he is probably not actually exercising or dieting all that much. But even the little amount he is doing makes him feel confident enough to prance around preaching no-shit advice to anybody who will listen.
Nobody cares dick. Not now, not ever.
4. You just feel so great after a workout. It’s like a runner’s high
No matter how fat I get, I will always be scrawny. By that I mean, I am completely unable to grow muscle of any kind. Not that I’ve given that too much of a whirl. Nevertheless, your drunk grandmother could beat me up.
So when I go to the gym, I run. Usually I am on a treadmill but sometimes on an elliptical, like a girl. So what, it’s kind of working for me. After doing this a bunch, there is basically only one thing that I can say about this form of exercise: running sucks.
But what sucks even more is having to listen to people tell me:
Just stick with it. You’ll get a runner’s high pretty soon just like I do.
First of all, no I won’t. Running sucks and it always will. There’s actually a good chance that runner’s high doesn’t even exist and is actually no different from masturbation.
Here’s how it works. Pompous assholes go running to feel better about themselves as a card they can pull out to lord over everybody else (hey, did I tell you about that RUN I just went on, I RAN all the way to RUN RUN – Look at Me!).
Then, over the course of their run, they are so damn proud of themselves that endorphins kick in. Endorphins are those chemicals in your brain that make you feel good about yourself. A lot of the time, that’s a good thing. But in this case, the endorphins only serve to validate the feeling that you were already having. In other words, a person feels better then everybody because they are running. Then, when he is finished running, his body pats him on the ass and tells him “nice job” with a nice chemical kick. “Runner’s high” has almost nothing to do with actually running and everything to do with arrogant people self-fulfilling their own beliefs. Voila! Masturbation.
Just listen to this one lady ramble on how great she feels after running. In fact, she feels so great that something has to exist, even if there’s no science to back it up.
“Whatever the cause, those who run know it exists, and no doubt medical science will soon identify the how and why of this pleasurable experience.”
Dr. Donadio is so damn sure of herself that she is willing to say fuck it to the scientific method and go on a hunch. This is the exact attitude you will always get from a proponent of runner’s high. Dr. Donadio already believes the world revolves around her. So she fabricates this runners high so that she can try to spread her presumption.
And by the way, “Dr.” Donadio, a PhD in Chiropractic Health and Health Administration does not make you a Doctor anymore then my repeated viewings of Breaking Bad make me a meth dealer. Get over yourself.
3. Ugh, I feel sooooo fat
There is this thing that all humans do. Cursed with the ability for introspection, we spend copious amounts of our time looking inward, rooting through the depths of our own soul, and hating the shit out of ourselves. Our animal readers can go ahead and skip to the next section, but for our human readers out there, this is pretty much universally true. In fact, there are many things that you most likely hate about yourself and your body image is no different.
In fact, we hate our bodies at an alarming rate. I’m speaking only to the ladies (as I often do) when I say that 97% of you will think negatively about your body image in the next 24 hours. The percentage for men, however, is not too far behind. As it turns out stress, societal pressure and the ubiquity of airbrushed celebrities all contribute to eating disorders and negative body image. In other words, there is almost no one out there that thinks they are good enough to even exist, and I count myself here.
For me, this simply results in standing an extra few minutes in front of the mirror like it’s prom night, just so I can properly concentrate on how much I hate myself. Don’t sweat it, that is completely natural.
But there are those among us that need everybody, everywhere to know what they think. They will spend a significant amount of time letting you know how they feel about themselves. I had this one friend recently tell me, after a light salad for dinner:
I can’t believe I ate so much. I’m getting so fat.
But of course, she’s not even a little bit fat. She’s not even overweight. When’s the last time you heard any actual overweight individual utter those words. I’ll tell you when; never. Our mouths are too full of food to get a word in edgewise.
Everybody likes talking about themselves. It’s the bodies’ way of getting our brain off. But there is a special kind of person that needs to draw attention to themselves. The kind of person that goes fishing for compliments because they never quite got over their daddy issues or only came in second in their preteen beauty pageant. The kind of dude that spends just a little too much time in the public shower and thinks that protein shakes are a good idea.
This is not the person to talk about weight loss with. This person is disappointed with the world because not enough people are talking about him/her. He/she is only trying to bring his environment closer to that goal. Do not aid this person. If you hear a person go on and on about how fat they “feel” it is best to sneak into their room every night and intravenously pump them full of animal lard until their body expands and arteries corrode so that their prophecy can be self-fulfilling.
That or ignore them, your choice I guess.
2. You’re Going To Eat That?
As you may have gathered by now, losing any weight is really damn hard. It can be months before you even start to see any effects and the entire process is incredibly psychologically draining. Anybody who has ever tried dieting knows that you will need to set aside “cheat days,” and you may even slip off your diet every once in a while.
It totally sucks when this happen, and you will hate yourself even more (a viscous cycle that you will never break) but if you ever hope to lose the weight in the long run, you have to learn to give yourself a break every once in a while. Cheat days, days or meals when you can just enjoy whatever food you like, are extremely important in ensuring that you are able to mentally and physically handle your diet for the months or years it requires from you.
It is impossible to not feel shameful on these days, but you can at least comfort yourself in knowing that you will pick it back up again. There may even be some positive benefits to your cheat day; like speeding up your metabolism. That is, of course, until some asshole comes along on one of these days and drops:
Well that’s why you are fat. You really shouldn’t eat that stuff.
Here’s some context. I have slipped off my diet more times then I know how to count. Most recently I was drunk at 2am in the morning and we had some leftover Chinese food in the apartment. So I polished off mine in no time. Then I moved on to everybody elses, cause fuck it, right? It didn’t feel great but I was intoxicated and hungry. It sucked, but what was worse was when I had to sit and be berated for several minutes by my asshole friends chucking accusations my way. Screw the context, they didn’t care. They didn’t care that I had been trying and that shit was tough that day or that sometimes I just like to overeat cause it makes me feel like I have a purpose. None of that mattered, they just wanted to make me feel bad about myself for what I was eating.
Unfortunately, this is just straight up going to happen. As it turns out, people show very little tact when it comes to personal weight loss, and everybody, everywhere will try and tell you what to do. But, this one happens to be extremely dangerous. That’s why it’s ridiculous when your friends try to pressure you into eating anyway to “enjoy” yourself. In the immortal words of Louis CK:
Just have the donut
But when you do, they will circle around you like a pack of vultures and make you feel like Jabba the Hutt or Sally Struthers.
Other people’s opinions are very important to us as humans. We are one poison tipped insult away from a night that begins with deep fried Oreos and ends with us coming to in an alleyway in a pile of our own tears and vomit. Do yourself a favor, enjoy your cheat day and get back to your diet as soon as you can.
1. It’s Not Easy Being Skinny
There are a lot of people that walk this earth in a constant bubble, shrouded from the harsh realities of this world. Men and women the entire world over that are skinny, tall and beautiful will get further from you because you are none of those things. But for the most part these people keep to their own devices in the upper echelons of society with their sex parties and coke orgies. And that’s fine with me. I like being left alone.
But there is a certain subsection of this already detestable group that honestly believe that in a world stricken with poverty, famine and disease that they are somehow the victim. Life is hard for them, because everyone is always trying to tell them what to do. It’s hard being sooo pretty cause like, people ask you out all the time and stuff and tries to buy you drinks.
Like the so-called “Skinny Gossip” girl who claims that there is a “double standard” around thin women because people are always trying to tell her to eat something. This lady pissed me off to no end.
“As a thin person, I was also annoyed by our double-standards around weight. For example, people think nothing of telling a thin woman – to their face, in front of an entire group of people – how skinny they are and even to suggest what they should eat. But I’ve never seen the reverse happen to an overweight woman.”
Look, unnamed herald of the thin-person agenda. I understand that your perspective is rather limited and nothing has ever really happened to you. I also understand that people are only telling you to eat because they are jealous and they just want to bring you down to their level in a superficial way. And I’m sorry that that happens to you. But as a thin woman, you will still be making close to $15,000 more than your slightly overweight counterparts. So it sucks that the person buying you dinner or offering you a promotion mockingly tells you that you should eat more, but it beats the massive amount of weight the rest of us will put on when we inevitably get let go from the job you casually strolled into.
For men, this is actually a little different, as overweight men actually tend to do a little better in the workplace. Men also have the whole alpha male, kissing themselves in the mirror level of narcissism that makes complaining about being skinny a less frequent occurrence. But that doesn’t stop a lot of men from whining about how they wish they could be fat so they wouldn’t have to work out/go to the gym/blow dudes so much. It’s a much pettier version of what the Skinny Gossip chick had to say but it carries the same weight.
The bottom line is, the road to weight lost is paved with temptation, anxiety and sweat. You will have to keep to it, or you can easily fall off the scale so to speak (zing!). I have plenty of experience with that, and I’ve been slipping as of late. It’s really, really hard. And there will be a bunch of assholes along the way that want nothing more than to make it that much harder.